My Time's My Own

HAVE A GOOD DAY!
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.
So here's an example.
The other day my friend Marilyn and I went into town and visited a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes, and when we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
Marilyn then called him a S--- head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
To be perfectly honest, we didn't really care.
You see, we came into town by bus, but we try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age
****************************************************************************************************
THE DIRECTOR"S TALE - With apologies to Chaucer
A retired company director, recently widowed, decides to take a vacation. Booking himself on a
Caribbean cruise he proceeds to have the time of his life - that is, until the ship sinks.
After a terrifying hour in the sea he found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies
– nothing. He was forced to survive on bananas and coconuts.
One day after about four months, he was lying on the beach, debating whether to end it all, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island” she explained. “I was marooned here when my cruise ship sank."
Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a boat washed up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" said the woman, "I built it out of raw materials I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches,
and the sides and stern all came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," she replied, "On the south side of the island, there's a very unusual
stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the boat."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked to shore, he nearly fell off the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Why don't sit down, I'll get you a drink."
"No! No thank you," he blurted, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, was a razor made from a piece of turtle shell. Two razor shells, honed to a hollow ground edge, were fastened to its end by a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused, "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been marooned for months. You must have been lonely. I'm sure there's something you really feel like doing right now - something you've dreamed of doing." She stared into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean " - he swallowed excitedly, and tears formed in his eyes.
"Don't tell me - you've built a Golf Course!!!"
****************************************************************************************************
AN (EXPURGATED) SELECTION OF GOLFING TERMS
An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A sister-in-law -I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss - thinned it
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
****************************************************************************************************
THE STORY OF THE DONKEY
There's a story told of a farmer's donkey that fell down an abandoned well.
The animal brayed piteously for hours while the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided it just wasn't feasible to rescue the donkey. The animal was old, anyway
and he'd been intending to fill the well in for some time.
So he asked all his neighbours to come over and give him a hand.
They each brought a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realizing what was happening became very distressed. Then to everyone's amazement, he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
As each shovel load of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He shook it off and took a step up. As the farmer's neighbours shovelled dirt on top of the animal, he continued to shake it off and take another step up.
Pretty soon the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick of getting out of your well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone, and you can get out of the deepest well by not quitting.
Never give up! Just shake it off and take a step up!
****************************************************************************************************
CIRCUMSTANCES
"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances.
The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them."
George Bernard Shaw.
****************************************************************************************************
SOMETHING TO PONDER

Why on Earth do some ignorant people question the political judgement
of the US Administration and it's military advisors?
What's their problem?

Here's a list of some of the places that the USA has bombed since WWII
[Minor military incursions by CIA and other US Forces have been omitted)

China 1945-46, Korea 1950-53, China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954, Indonesia 1958, Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960, Congo 1964, Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73, Vietnam 1961-73, Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69, Grenada 1983, Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s, Nicaragua 1980s, Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99, Sudan 1998, Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999, Afghanistan 1998, Iraq 2003

All these episodes have led to Peace, Liberation and Democracy.
Haven't they?
Surely anyone with any sense would support the USA's military initiatives.